A recent email…

Ron Franz: I’m going to miss you when you go.
Christopher McCandless: I will miss you too, but you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God’s place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things.
Ron Franz: Yeah. I am going to take stock of that. You know I am. I want to tell you something. From bits and pieces of what you have told me about your family, your mother and your dad… And I know you have problems with the church too… But there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don’t mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines through you.

(from the movie Into the Wild)

Feelin’ good

I’m nine days in on taking Focalin XR.  I had a headache the first few days but I haven’t the last two days.  I definitely feel more focused and clear.  It’s difficult to describe but I don’t have that “brain fatigue”  feeling as much.  I only feel that way at night when I am tired and the medication is wearing off.  I’m supposed to increase the dosage on Tuesday but this level may be good for me.

My Personal Mission Statement.

My first homework assignment was to write a personal mission statement reflecting the improvements and character traits I wish to exhibit in the future. 

My Personal Mission Statement:

As an Individual:  I seek God first.  I am honest and moral in all things.  I pursue opportunities to learn in order to cultivate personal growth.  I show kindness and compassion to those I serve at work and in my community. 

As a Wife:  I put love first.  I am willing to put his needs before mine.  I create an environment of trust and open communication so that we can work together to heal the past and live as a happy, peaceful family.

As a Mother:  I love unconditionally.  I teach my children,by example, how to live a happy and fulfilled life.  I encourage their strengths and meet their needs with love and patience. 

As a Friend: I am generous with my time when others need support.  I use my gifts to inspire and to bring joy to those around me.

On your mark, get set….

GO! 

If ever there was a time for me to focus, it is now.  I’m going back to school, looking for a new job with a better schedule, working on mending broken relationships, and managing issues with myself and my children.  Whew! 

I’m really going to need help.  I thank God that I am not alone in all of this.  When I get overwhelmed, I have strong shoulders to lean on. 

I am hopeful that my new medication will lend a hand in the focusing department.  I started Focalin XR 4 days ago and so far, so good.  I’m not up to the full dosage yet but the only side effect I’ve noticed is a slight headache.  I feel good.  My brain feels a little less “hectic” and I’ve been able to focus better while reading.  I feel like I’m absorbing more, not just skimming over the words.  Much better than Vyvanse at this point.

It’s not my fault…

I’m reading yet another book about ADHD.  When Too Much Isn’t Enough by Wendy Richardson.  The title of one of the chapters is “It’s not your fault but it is your problem.”  ADHD is part of my biology and there is nothing that I can do about that.  I’ve accepted that.  I’ve stopped beating myself up.  However, the destruction and hurt that are a byproduct of my ADHD – those are mine, all mine.  The difficulties and challenges of daily life with ADHD are MY problems and it is up to me to choose how to handle them.

His Heart is Big Enough

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e-gzheiTtI

Finding my way back home.

I’m learning so much about myself and ADHD.  It’s relieving and scary at the same time.  It’s encouraging to have answers to my struggles but  at times I am overwhelmed with the impact it’s had on my life.  I feel very alone in this.  I’ve let so many people down over the years that I don’t know who to turn to.  The only one who seems to understands all this is the one who I hurt the most and he is afraid of me.  I don’t blame him. 

A couple of months ago I read The Shack.  I know there is controversy in the Christian community over how God is represented in this book but that’s not a debate I want to be a part of.  For me, that book was a catalyst for what was already set in motion in my heart…love and forgiveness from God.  Just like the character in the story, I blamed God for the way I am, the way my life turned out and I blamed him for not being there for me.   The moment I finished reading, I opened my heart to God and asked for forgiveness with a deeper understanding of his mercy and grace than I ever had before.  He is the one who truly understands.

The road back home began there but the journey continues.  I have peace but there is work to do.

Acceptance

The stages of grief are necessary.  They are painful and gut-wrenching, but necessary and each of us travels through them at our own pace.  For me, it was like running intervals on a really hot day.  I didn’t want to do it in the first place.  I procrastinated, I avoided.  As time went by, I knew I had to do it if I wanted to get better so finally I laced up and headed out.  It was hard as hell.  At times I was near sprinting but most of the time I was in “recovery” mode.  There were a couple of times when I had to stop because I felt like I was going to puke.  But I made it!  And I’m stronger for pushing through. 

Now I am in a better place – acceptance.

Here I go again.

I’m going back to school to finish my Bachelor’s degree…another unfinished “project” thanks to ADHD.  I’m excited but nervous about staying focused throughout this program so I’m going to give medication another shot.

Peace

Symptoms of Inner Peace

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experience
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy the moment
• A loss of interest in judging other people
• A loss of interest in judging self
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
• An inability to worry (this is a very serious symptom!)
• Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation
• Frequent acts of smiling
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than to make them happen
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

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